i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
