but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
