i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
How external is "for external use only"?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
