i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
