i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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