Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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