I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
