Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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