Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
