so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
