My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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