8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize