I can text with my tongue
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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