Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
