Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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