I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
