I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize