I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
