My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
