Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
