You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
