She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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