shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
