I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
