I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
