It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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