I accidentally had phone sex last night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
