okay pat passed out under dana's car
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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