we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize