I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
