i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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