maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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