Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
