GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
