Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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