Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize