i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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