So drunk its hurt
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
