and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You took a bar mat shot.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
