I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
