my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
