I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
