Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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