he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you didnt know i had herpes?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
