You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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