well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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