So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
