can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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