Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
