cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
