Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
