I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
