I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
