Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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