I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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