White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
