Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
