I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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