dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
wow bdsm is so cute
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
