what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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