I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
